Searching for a foothold in this chaos...that is life....

I don't know whether I'm Benita or Benji anymore than you do.... quite frankly.
I'm B to my cousin, Beni to my penpal/epal/Sarah, Bernie to Hannah, ernieB to Greg, Bonto (etc) to Anne and Christina, Gonzo to Christina, Ben to Anne, Corinne and Christina, Benji to nearly everyone at school, Benj to Maya, Benjita to Michelle and Benita to everyone else.......talk about multiple identities.

I was actually enjoying that post about your childhood............no it doesn't tell the world/me about you, however I didn't know that so called "trivial" stuff about you. No, you can't live your life in "trivia"....that *would* be painful......but everyone needs a healthy dose.

Don't be "lost" because you don't know where your headed. Seriously James, you have the wisdom/knowledge to get where you want and be happy....even if it is only running the local chip shop down the road.... you academicness or supposed "geekness" is only one of your assets.

Life is a learning process. Im 16....but i think I've had a bit of a taste of what is to come...and learnt some very valuable lessons *cough* Hurlstone *cough*. I am glad at where I am in my life at this current second. Sure I wish I was more knowledgeable and smart.......could be like those "school captain" types who I hold in so much regard.......public speaking.....academicness..... confidence......charisma...... charm........even if it is sometimes synthetic.....i wish i could do it. But I think/hope everything is gonna be okay. All I really want in life at the moment is to be happy, doing stuff that I love, with the people I love around me. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be that hotshot policy analyst for the UN....or whatever.....and yeah.....I know it's gonna hurt......and I know it's gonna cut if I can, but don't, get where I think I want to be.......my UAI will be the first test.......but not the last.

Moving on......
my gross over generalisations exhibited plenty-o-time in say.....the last term....are rash, irrational and plain stupid. Maybe they have a starting point.......potential........but maybe that's all....they shouldn't be strung out, like a basket of wet underwear, for everyone to see

That's the thing about blogs. You write things, in one state of mind, with a particular thought in mind/ point of view.....and then in the morning its....warped and distorted....shaped into something it wasn't meant to be.....in the cold light of day its stupid...........your mind, your soul, your passion vanishes from the screen. Words convey empty meanings. They convey different meanings. For me there is a horrible ridge between mind and matter, so to speak. You, or I, can't express concepts, thoughts, feelings, fleeting random sensations, into print without losing the passion/idea/thought behind them.
Something I honestly wish, in Benita's little secluded island from reality floating around in her head, is that there was some way to actually understand what people mean/think/feel. The only relation/link I have to make is in the book "Obernewtyn" by Isobelle Carmody, the main character has the ability to "farseek" (meaning she can talk/communicate inside another person's head and exchange thoughts, not just words with them).

Blogs are my dumping ground for emotional baggage....and fragments of my life.....like a journal. I want to be able to say what I think, feel, know and not necessesarily have to face it again. Baggage has a terrible tendency to have your name marked all over it.

It's been good blogging with you James, really it has......I hope you understood most of my half constructed thoughts/words.......I think that's why it has been good blogging with you....because I think you did.

Fighting off all nostalgia I might encounter, I'm not sure if i'll be able to put a detached "me" into my thoughts on this blog. Don't get me wrong politics, world affairs and the world around me is my life, and I always want to be attached somehow to that side of me, but, and I've never actually thought/ described myself like this.....but I have got a "spirtual" and "emotional" (for some reason those words don't sit well in my vocabulary) side to myself....that interestingly enough wants to be expressed.....I suppose it's that whole human thing of yearning for something else in life/ the hunger for comfort in something/one that "knows you".....the hunger not to be alone in this world of chaos.
Sarah Mclachlan as my inspiration in the background.......

So I am sorry for having "conflicting" roles in regard to my thoughts and them being expressed, hell no-one is a mind reader. I guess we didn't know what tangent this blog would take.......have we now hit the crossroads?

Funny......blogging....or one might say....self expression has taken up such a big part of my life. And I think its a good thing.

Should I read this back over to see if it will make sense, is fit for public consumption?......should I put a disclaimer on it? make it invisible (it's just not the same then...)?.......will i regret writing this in the morning? how will it look in the morning? will people look me in the eye the same?

Benji, B, Ben, Beni, Bernie.....Benita........ These are my ramblings. Taken out of context (ie today at 2:32am) they will be abused and misused. Trust me on that one.
Hopefully I will have the courage to leave this post visible on here.
To the World........
From Benita.............with love.....

*grimaces as she hits PUBLISH POST*